


I Fell In Your Opinion

by angelofwinchesters (xsista)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-09
Updated: 2013-05-09
Packaged: 2017-12-10 22:24:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/790866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xsista/pseuds/angelofwinchesters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In response to 8x22. Cas finally comes back with the groceries. He and Dean have a Talk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Fell In Your Opinion

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Florence + The Machine's "Falling".
> 
> Extra points if you catch the IM3 and TDKR references.

The soft flapping of wings alerted Dean to a new presence behind him.

"Well." Dean drawled, not looking up from his book. "Look who finally decided to show his face again."

A long, heavy silence filled the air, broken only by the crinkling of plastic bags.

"I...I got supplies." Cas spoke quietly. "I wasn't sure what you wanted, so I got eggs, milk, and bread. And beer. And...pie."

Dean tensed. "And? You know where the kitchen is. You can put it away yourself."

"I—of course." Cas shuffled into the kitchen, putting everything away in it's proper place. He saved the pie for last, hesitating for a moment before going to retrieve a plate and fork, cutting a generous slice out of the pie and plating it carefully. Cas walked back out to the table, setting the pie and fork in front of Dean like a peace offering. Dean spared it a fleeting glance before turning back to his book.

Cas fidgeted nervously. "It's apple. I remember—you said it was your favorite."

Dean grunted.

"I had to go to a bakery. They didn't have any pie at the convenience store."

"Yeah?" Dean said, turning a page forcefully. "You steal it?"

Cas stiffened. "No. I paid for it."

"With what?"

"Money."

"Whose?"

Cas paused, hands fisting anxiously in the fabric of his coat cuffs. "Yours."

Dean let out a mirthless laugh. "Wow, Cas. You shouldn't have."

"I was only trying to help."

"Oh, you're _real_ great at helping."

"I—I'm sorry, Dean. I really am."

"Yeah." Dean scoffed. "You keep saying that."

Cas stood awkwardly before him, at a loss.

"Do you even want me here?"

"I don't know. I mean, you're gonna flap out eventually, so is there even really a point in you staying here?"

Cas nodded jerkily, backing away. "I—I understand. Do you mind if I stay long enough to recover my strength? I'm still...ailing."

Dean shrugged, eyes still glued resolutely to his book. "Suit yourself."

With one last pleading glance in Dean's direction, Cas bowed out of the room, skittering down the hallway to the bedroom he'd been allotted and closing the door. He crossed the room slowly, sinking down onto the bed with a shaky sigh. He'd fucked up. More than he ever had. Even when he'd proclaimed himself God, brought down wrath and destruction to Heaven and Earth, and unleashed the Leviathan, even then, Dean had forgiven him. But now...now, Cas was finally out of second chances. Dean didn't want to be his friend anymore. Didn't even want him around. A strange, broken sound escaped Cas's mouth. Where would he go? What would he do? Cas knew enough about fallen angels to know what was happening to him; the slow healing, the intense emotions, the taste for human food—they were all a part of Falling, and Cas was on the fast track. He'd come to terms with it, accepted it as a new chapter of his life. He'd even hoped it would endear him more to Dean. But now...if Dean didn't want him around, Cas would have nowhere to go, no one to turn to. He would be just as alone as he'd always been, and just as miserable. And he would be helpless. Cas sank back into the bedding, curling himself around a stale-smelling pillow with a low cry. He would lose everything.

 

~

 

Dean waited a good ten minutes before daring to set aside his book and pick up the fork Cas had set down, taking a small, contemplative bite of pie. It was good. It was _very_ good. 

Dean sighed, pushing back his chair and standing. He walked over to the hallway entrance, leaning heavily against the doorframe and steeling himself. Maybe, if he could just say goodbye to Cas once and for all, he could finally let this go and move on. It was worth a try, at least. 

Dean was halfway down the hallway before he realized there were strange noises coming from Cas's room. He frowned, picking up his pace a bit and stopping just outside the closed door. 

A low, pained sob rang out, muffled slightly by the door. Dean's eyebrows shot up. _What the fuck was Cas doing in there? Was there someone in there with him?_ Not bothering to knock, Dean pushed the door open, striding into the room with a scowl—only to freeze mid-step as he took in Cas's appearance. 

Cas was sitting on the bed, trench coat half off his shoulders, angle blade clutched in one hand, and face splotchy and red with...tears. At Dean's sudden presence, Cas's head jerked up, watery eyes widening briefly before his face crumpled.

"I'm so s—sorry, Dean." Cas turned away from Dean's shocked gaze, staring down at his blade. "I didn't mean t—to disturb you."

"Disturb me?"

"I'll be quieter. I p—promise."

Dean stared at him, horrified. "Cas, what the hell is going on? Why are you crying?"

Cas let out a miserable sob. "Because I want to _die._ "

"What?" Dean asked weakly. "Why?"

"Because I'm _Falling_ , Dean. I have been for a while now, and I was fine with it. I was okay with it, I really was. Because then I could be with you and Sam all the time; I could learn to be a hunter. And I thought, maybe, you might like me better as a human." Cas turned his blade over in his hands, wiping away the tears that had dripped onto it. "But now you won't even _look_ at me and it hurts so _much_ knowing you don't want me around anymore. And even though I know I deserve your disdain for all I've done, I can't help but wish I had one more chance—just one more—to prove my loyalty to you." Cas took in a shuddering breath. "But I don't. Because I fucked it up. Just like I fuck up _everything_. And now, I've lost the one thing..." Cas trailed off, squeezing his eyes shut as fresh tears rolled down his cheeks. "I've lost the one thing I can't live without. So I'll do the trials Metatron said he needed me to do. I'll do everything I can to ensure that my kind never brings suffering to your world again. And once I'm done...you won't ever have to see me again."

Dean stared at Cas in shock. "What are you—you're _Falling_? Why didn't you _say_ something!? Why are you Falling!? And what _trials_!?"

"I've been Falling for a long time, Dean." Cas murmured, eyes still closed. "But it will be permanent this time. That much I know. It's accelerated now, ever since I broke Naomi's hold. I should have enough power to complete the trials and slam the gates to Heaven. After that...well, I'll still have my blade."

"Slam the gates to _Heaven_!?" Dean demanded. "Why!?"

"The angels are fighting amongst themselves. Violently, and without end. Locking the gates to Heaven will ensure that no harm will come to Earth; the fighting will be contained to the celestial plane."

"But," Dean's face was pinched. "What about you? I mean...if it's anything like the Demon Tablet, it'll vanquish all the angels on earth too. What's going to happen to you?"

"The third trial is the sacrificing of an angel's Grace." Cas stated. "I will have just enough left to complete it. Once it is done, I will be left on Earth, but I will be mortal."

"Oh." Dean paused, processing this. "So once you're human, then what?"

"As I said before," Cas mumbled. "I will still have my blade."

Dean squinted at him. "Yeah, I got tha—" The implication of Cas's words struck Dean, suddenly. "Wait, hold on. Are you telling me you're planning on—on _killing_ yourself!?"

"Yes."

Dean let out a choked sound. " _Why!?_ "

"Because I will have _nothing left._ " Cas cried. "I will have no chance of ever being an angel again. I will be mortal. I will be helpless and inept. I will be nothing more than a burden. And even if that weren't a problem—even if I could be taught how to be human—it wouldn't matter. Because I won't have a _reason_ to live."

"That's bullshit, Cas! You have—"

"I HAVE _NOTHING!_ " Cas yelled, eyes glistening. "I had _one_ reason to hope, one thing left to cling to. _One._ And I don't have it anymore. Because you don't want me around. You don't want to be my friend. You don't want me. And I can't—" Cas cut himself off, swallowing thickly. "I can't live with myself, knowing that. Knowing that you trusted me, and I failed you. It hurts too much."

"Cas..." Dean trailed off, at a loss for words.

"I need you too much to live without you, Dean." Cas admitted softly. "So please, _please_ don't ask me to."

Dean stared at him, hands shaking at his sides. "Cas—" Dean crossed the space between them, coming to sit beside Cas on the bed. "That's—look, that's all you really needed to say."

Cas glanced up, cheeks wet and eyes wounded. "You wanted to hear me say that I'm going to kill myself?"

"No!" Dean protested, hand hovering over Cas's shoulder before moving to touch it, hesitant. "No, I just—I only wanted to know that you need me too."

"'Too'?"

"Cas, seriously, I don't know how much clearer you want me to be on that front. I've told you twice already. I need you. Hell, I've been praying to you every goddamn night since we got dumped into Purgatory. What more confirmation do you need?"

Cas ducked his head, embarrassed.

"I want you around, Cas." Dean continued. "I want you with me every day. But you gotta promise not to keep flapping out on me. If you just _stay—_ no more secrets, no more lies, no more random sabbaticals. Just you, here, with me. That's all I ask."

"I can do that." Cas murmured.

"Well, then, good. Okay." Dean glanced down at Cas. "Cas, look at me." Cas's shoulders tensed, but he relented, turning to look up at Dean. "We're good, okay? You keep me posted on these trials of yours, let me know if you need anything. And when you Fall, I'm gonna be right there to catch you. We'll figure this out together."

Cas nodded, eyes watering again. "Okay."

"Oh, c'mere." Dean sighed, reaching out to pull Cas into a hug. Cas didn't hesitate, leaning into Dean's chest and latching his fingers in the fabric of Dean's shirt, clutching desperately at his back. "It's okay, Cas. I'm here. I've got you."

"Thank you." Cas mumbled against Dean's neck. "For everything."

Dean bent his head, pressing a gentle kiss into Cas's hair. "You're welcome, Cas. You're always welcome."


End file.
